Send Help.

Sometimes you literally couldn’t write the drama that goes on in my life. Eastenders has FUCK ALL on me, let me tell you. I shall start by filling you in on all the facts…

We had that Simon did / didn’t ghost me stuff going on, and during that, although I’m trying NOT to write any more words for that fucking man, BE has been trying his hardest to tug on my heart strings. He’s gotten pretty fucking close too.

Will-power standing firm, I’m being a strong, independent woman and all that jazz, and then something else happened. Something that tested every string of strength I had in my body.

Jock sent me a message.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously? I start dating someone new, fuck it up, fix it, and then not one but TWO head-fuck, heart-fuck exes come crawling out of the woodwork. You couldn’t make this shit up. I’m actually shaking my own head in disbelief right now and it’s MY story!

I don’t really know why he sent me that message. I know that he broke up with his fiancée a while back so I imagine he’s single again. I also think the crazy ex that broke us up also broke them up, based on the friend who tells me too much and her crazy stalking. (Her fella is still friends with Jock I think? Something along those lines.) It seems the fiancée and the crazy ex were both deleted from Jock’s Facebook page at around the same time …

It made me feel good. I was right – that crazy ex ruined our relationship back then, she’s going to ruin every future relationship he’s ever had, and she’s done it once again …

Perhaps that’s why he sent me that message? Perhaps he was coming back to tell me that I was write all along? Ha! A girl can dream.

But seriously though, why’d he send me that message? What does he want? Because I’m torn between him still being the love of my life, or him being the cunt who left me when we thought I had bowel cancer. I’m torn between ignoring the message request and pretending it never happened like I did with that one he sent just over a year ago, or responding with something like “What do you want?”.

I know you all think he’s bad news. Bestie certainly does. He’s made no attempt to hide his feelings towards Jock. He even said he’d rather I text Brown Eyes back than Jock, and he really, really can’t stand Brown Eyes. (Obviously he’d prefer I just stayed single forever because then I can’t get myself into any trouble.) But Jock was and maybe still is a guy I was pretty sure could have been the love of my life. I cared and still care deeply for that man. He was the man who changed my mind completely about having kids, the only man I’ve even considered having kids with. Carrie got back with Mr. Big and they lived happily ever after. Even Prince William and Kate Middleton broke up for a while and look at them now. Is it really the craziest idea in the world to listen to what he has to say?

I really want to be this strong, independent woman, but against two of them – BE and Jock, I can’t find my strength. BE, not so much because he hasn’t actually bothered to message me, instead liking my Instagram posts in the hope that I’ll go check out his Instagram posts (which of course I do) to see that he’s been posting all this “I’m sorry” and “I love you” bullshit. Although apparently not sorry enough to physically send me an actual message of course. Just enough to post cryptic Instagram posts that only make sense to me.

But Jock … I REGRETTED not responding to his message last year. Around the time I ignored his message, he met the girl he later got engaged to, and now they’re not together anymore. I REGRETTED ignoring him. I REGRETTED not responding to his message back then … Is this a second chance? Will I always regret it if I ignored his message for a second time?

I wonder why you sent me that message back in April and I kick myself for not responding. At the time I felt so brave, so bold, ignoring it, re-reading it over and over again, wondering what you wanted, what you had to say. I wish I’d responded. I will now always wonder what if. What if? What if? What would have happened? Did I blow it? Will I always regret ignoring you that day? I couldn’t respond. You’d hurt my heart too much. You didn’t even know it. You don’t know the effect you had on me or the lasting impression you left. You don’t know any of that.

Read the full post from January 2016 here: How’s That For Closure? 

I always said I’d rather regret the things I did do rather than the things I didn’t, and every day since we broke up, I’ve felt like it wasn’t right, like it was unfinished business, like there was something about him I couldn’t get over. And I’m still not over him, am I? It’s been two years now. I might not cry these days, but his messages have the same heart-flipping impact that they had when we were happily in love.

But then we don’t even know what he wants, do we? He might not want me back at all. He might just be an asshole, sending a few breadcrumbs my way, lonely after his last breakup and desperately needing something familiar. I really wish I had a crystal ball. I can’t help but think I would always regret not responding to his message again. This is hell. This is actually hell. My head and my heart are all over the place, getting a good bruising from men who have already bruised it too much. But if I responded and we met up and … well, it went the way I’ve always wanted it to go, and then it all falls apart again – I’d kick myself for giving him one last shot at me. So why does ignoring him feel like a mistake? Why does it feel like the wrong choice?

But you guys are all biased, aren’t you? You’re all on ‘my side’ because you only know my side of the story. You’re all going to tell me that he’s a bad guy and I should forget about him. And BE. And probably Simon in a few months too when that inevitably goes wrong. Don’t even get me started on Simon. I have two exes hunting me down and I’m on the phone to this new guy until 3am. Because apparently, I quite like him too. But that’s enough for today.

Send help.